My Stripes

I’ve been dancing for most of my life but had a long break from it when I left home and soon after started a family.

Getting back into dance through fitness opened a whole new world for me and I share all that I have learned along my journey.

I was so inspired that I threw myself into study and qualified as a Fitness professional in 2015.

Since then I have been creating and delivering bespoke movement & exercise sessions for children, adult women, marginalised & vulnerable groups, and the elderly since 2016. In schools, offices, social clubs, gyms and during the pandemic, online.  

Dance, fitness and physical movement is great for the physical body but we are energy bodies too.

Empower your inner senses, find your fierce & flow through dance, play & relaxation!

Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, sometimes I just eat cake!!!

What I love to do the most is dance & meditate!

The mind can be such a busy place!

Purposefully creating space within and making time to do the things that make you feel good is an act of self-love.

What does that mean?

Energetic movement shifts not only the physical energy in your body, dance allows for creativity, learning, expression and can be a wonderful opportunity for you to allow your playful side out.

Dancing to varied music can have really amazing effects on your mood and there is plenty of scientific evidence which supports that dance benefits many aspects of our lives.

The benefits range from social, cognitive, emotional and physical which makes dancing such an effective and enjoyable form of physical fitness.

The effects on both body & mind are amazing.

Encourage the feel good chemicals that are within you waiting for your permission!

It’s how I found my FIERCE and nurtured my FLOW.

Fierce Courage. Fierce Love. Fierce Joy.

My Dualities & Polarities Of Being A Female British Bengali in the UK

Childhood was a very confusing place for me. I enjoyed growing up in Chipping Sodbury and doing all the things my friends did. But I knew by the age of 9 that there was an expiry date on my freedom!

I was scared from my experiences of men and women. I stood up for me but I kept being scared. I hid it really well. So well that even I didn’t know I was scared anymore. I thought I was hard! I had learned very young that crying really doesn’t help anyone. I witnessed my sister’s forced arranged marriage. I saw her crying but didn’t see her object.

And then as a teen I disclosed the sexual abuse I had endured only to be blamed; I lost faith in my family! My heart was so desperate! 

So since my teen years I had been fashioning a suit of armour to protect my autonomy and cope with the situations I faced. I looked for strong people I could look up to.

It was a patchwork cloak of daring, volume, self righteousness, threat, arrogance, rudeness, sarcasm, and physicality. I made sure I was not what a family would be looking for in a daughter-in-law! It worked.

No suitors came for me. And I have always been free.

Living this way all my life took its toll on my autonomic nervous system and over years I became deeply anxious and depressed.

My relationships were hard and I just couldn’t seem to make them work.

How Tiger Stripes got its name

2014 was quite a scary time for me. I was back in education and on my way to getting on the road. Two things I thought I would be no good at.

I had worked hard to take my son our first holiday. I couldn’t wait to be away in the sun with my little guy, it was all about him. Earning money made me feel good.

But I’m still human and after trawling the net for swimwear, looking at a million airbrushed pictures of so called normal, I felt so crushed!

I stood in front of my full length mirror and I just cried. I felt stupid, ugly and unlovable.

My son heard me sobbing, he ran in and asked: “Mumma, why are you crying?” I replied: “Because I’m so ugly, look at my tummy!” I was pulling at my soft sagging skin, looking at the shiny stretch marks.

In 10 seconds my 8-year-old son gave me a whole new perspective. “Mumma you’re not ugly… you’re beautiful & fierce, they are your stripes, YOU ARE A TIGER!” I held him and sobbed with gratitude.

I was so amazed by his love.

My rational mind disagreed with him but I knew he was right! I didn’t know then that this little boy would put me on the path learn of searching, discovering and learning to love me.

Over time I found a new respect for skin. I better love it! Its the only one I get to live in.

My skin didn’t tear, it moved and stretched, it did its job well.

Just like my body, just like my brain.

Strong, resilient, stripey and I accept it!

Our Mum & Son holiday was great! I worked on letting go of the idea that my body was less than ideal and we enjoyed every moment as we played in the sun, danced & ate ice cream every day!

Fast forward to 2020

Covid, lockdown, fear, old trauma & the sweet little boy became… a man…

When Lockdown happened, the cloak took over. I was scared & angry. Again. I just wanted to be free. And seeing people who wouldn’t usually cover their faces really gave me the heebie jeebies.

Being locked-in, all I could do was look for ways to escape.

All I could do was dance. But there was no joy, only physical aggression.

I danced, and danced until it was too much for my body.

The chemicals of frustration began to seep into my state of escape…where there used to be euphoria. There was nothing.

For a time it helped me feel in control. Online classes allowed me to escape my emotions, serve others, and distract myself.. I just kept trying to blow them out…but the balance was off.

No endorphins, no dopamine. I was now just an adrenaline junkie.

An angry and frightened one.

I had completely lost balance of my body and my emotions. The feelings of fear had taken me over.

Back to Basics – NDE

I wasn’t sure of what I needed anymore.

My mask broke. Even I didn’t know I wasn’t ok until I felt desperate and even then I was distracted by feeling embarrassed.

In September 2020 I had an experience which put me on an entirely different path.

Ok so I feel totally weird for sharing this but here goes…

One night I went to bed and I’m still unsure of what had happened but I can only describe it as an out of body experience. I never believed in anything like this! I thought I was awake but I was floating in the air, in the middle of my bedroom, slowly spinning clockwise and then counterclockwise. .. I tried to look over my shoulder. I wanted to see if I was dead and lying in my bed or what!!! I was petrified and could not look back. I gave up the challenge when I felt a freezing cold sensation in my skull from the top of my head to my spine. It was accompanied by deafening cracks. This is repeated many times, 7 to 8 times in total. Each time, my body felt a strong gravitational force as if I were riding a roller coaster. I was certain I had died. And then it was over, I was on my bed and became even more frightened. 

I felt that it was not safe for me to be around my son and that he was not safe around me and within a month I got so desperate that I called social services on myself. The doctor prescribed beta blockers to slow my racing heart rate and advised me to stop dancing as I was at risk of a heart attack. I had to to stop trying to escape.

Social services put me on a parenting course called Non Violent Resistance which I hated at first, so much so I went to a hypnotherapist but I didn’t really think she could help my desperate situation. It was my last ditch attempt. Before I gave up completely.

Every part of me wanted to argue with her when she told me to lie down on the couch and she talked to me, but I had to listen. I actually paid for this!
So maybe for the first time in my life I shut up!

I knew what she was saying was not untrue, but why was my body so sickened at hearing positive things about me? 

I realised in one session I had been hypnotized by fear all of my life. Interesting…

This was session 1 of 6. Could I really change my life?

I couldn’t completely believe what I was hearing but I really wanted to.

I had nothing to lose. I went all in. I studied my behaviour, my brain body connections, my beliefs, my life.

I learned to take a step back to pay attention to what I am doing. And then I learned that I had to give myself whatever my son needed. After all, if you don’t do it for you, is it genuine or is it an act?

Discovering that I had been pickling in my own chemical concoction, my stories, deep beliefs and perceptions, which I believed were keeping me ‘safe’ were the very things holding me back was shocking!

I did it for far too long and I had to face me. I had become the barrier and block to my own success.

Uncovering these truths have been more than uncomfortable.

I have found facing up to my own truths deeply difficult at times.

Thanks to finding various sources of guidance, deep introspection, self awareness and learning how to have faith in the world around my life is very different. Its calm. Its peaceful. I no longer feel the need to escape!

Whatever you’re going through, we all deserve happiness, and that includes you!

Keep searching, believe in yourself! Find your Fierce and journey to true self-discovery.